I've been thinking lately about adoption. I went to the Resolve Infertility and Adoption Conference on Saturday. It was, for the most part, really good. The only session that was not good was one called "Wellness During Infertility." It was taught by a crazy woman who basically talked about "The Secret" the whole time. She said that if we're out driving in the rain and imagine ourselves finding a great parking spot, it will happen. I asked her if she thought it was more important to be optimistic than realistic. She did not answer my question. One of the worst things you can tell an infertile person is, "You just need to think more positively and it will happen!" No amount of positive thinking is going to bring my fallopian tubes back or get me a parking space. (As a side note: I consider myself a pretty optimistic person. But I also know that there is a time for being realistic - a time for looking at hard facts and making decisions accordingly.)
Okay, anyway, I mostly went to the seminars on adoption and they were very good. I also just finished reading a book called "Baby, We Were Meant for Each Other," by Scott Simon from NPR. He and his wife adopted two daughters from China. It was a sometimes funny, sometimes cloyingly sentimental read. I'm making Dan read it.
Here are some things I've been thinking about:
1) Adoption, although difficult, makes me feel hopeful. Infertility is such a hopeless process. One of the hardest parts about it is that it causes you to grieve over and over again for years. There are many losses and many reminders every day of what you lack. There is no end in sight. Adoption can be rocky, but there is a baby at the end of the road if you stick with it.
2) Infertility is expensive, but adoption is more expensive. If insurance will cover the costs to deliver a baby, why won't it pay for the costs of adopting a baby (or toddler, or child)? The current cost of adoption - domestic or international - is $20,000-$50,000.
3) I want to adopt from Africa: The Congo or Ethiopia or Burundi. All of these countries are currently open for adoption.
4) An adoptive dad said this at the conference: "It's about having a family - not how you put it together."
12 comments:
oh, lisa! i think you'll make a great parent for a little african baby, or for a little test tube baby. i think you've had the best attitude possible through this whole thing. a mix of realism and optimism. i think kenny rogers says it best: "you gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run. you never count your money, when you're sitting at the table, they'll be time enough for countin, when the dealings done..."
thanks, gwendolyn.
man, kenny rogers knows EVERYTHING!
I love African babies! There is a little adopted Ethiopian boy in our ward, and he is adorable!
I have been surrounded by adoptive parents in the past two wards I've been in (like 5 that I can think of off the top of my head). I think adoption is so amazing. Here you take this life. This human life. And give it a family where there may not have ever been one. I wish it was not so expensive. It makes no sense that insurance won't help with that more. (I know IHC paid $4000.00 per adopted child...but not even close to what is needed). Anyways, good to hear what's been on your mind. You're continuing to make your way into my prayers. Love you.
http://transom.org/?p=12543
I found this on a blog I read a while back...I listened to a few stories and thought they were very real and it really gives you the perspective from all different sides.
Lisa,
Three things:
1. I love to read you writing!
2. I think you'll make a beautiful and wonderful mother to the children in your family whenever and however they come to you.
3. I'm glad you've found hope because I think that's probably one of the most important elements to the journey you're now facing.
I love you my friend!
I just did a workshop at the LDS Family Services Adoption Conference this weekend. Must of been the weekend of adoption conferences or something. Strange.
I had no idea adoption was the expensive. Geeze!
Adoption stories make me bawl like a baby. I don't know what it is but having a child that needs a stable home joining parents who want to love on a baby just does something to my tear ducts.
I hope that no matter what you two decide, that it feels good to you and that the path falls easily before you. Being parents will look so good on both of you. Can't wait to see that day no matter how you put it together. Good luck in the whole process of thinking.
I love you.
First off, the whole quoting Kenny Rogers thing is hilarious.
Second, no matter what happens, I think things will fall into place. I think that your baby will find its way to you and maybe this baby will get to you through adoption, or whatever else. But it'll happen.
Also, are you going to live in Boston forever? If so, when we can afford it we would like to come visit.
I didn't realize adoption is so expensive. It's ridiculous! I do think it's an excellent thing and I know you would make a great mother to any children in your home! Good luck on your next journey- I hope it has a positive and happy outcome. Love you Lisa!
Can we contribute to an adoption fund? Seriously. I know you didn't choose this path, but I think you and Dan will make wonderful parents for a child who might otherwise have bleak(er) prospects in life.
I don't have anything remarkable to add. Just that I read this, and that I love you, and hope so much you can have a baby and/or adopt one day. And like Gwen I think you would be a wonderful mother to such a child.
<3
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